We might be better off treating ourselves and our family like we do strangers.

It would be reasonable to presume that we take care of ourselves the best and our family thereafter with strangers getting less of the concern and energy. That would seem reasonable if one prioritized on levels of what we can control. The same would be true if we prioritized on level of familiarity as well. This does not seem to be the normal modus operandi.

A popular analogy is that dog owners will take better care of their dogs than themselves. The dogs might get best of breed food and top notch vet care while the owners chose to neglect their own health. A similar situation is when I would nag a loved one to go see the doctor for any small irregularity. Yet, I won’t go see the doctor myself until someone who loves me nags me to submission. Proactivity to take care of the self seems to be a common afterthought. We need only see the number of bestselling books solely focused on the importance of self-love to see that neglect towards the self is common. This seems to be the case when considering our daily attitudes towards wellbeing. We seem to forget it’s the small daily things that compound.

We might treat family better than ourselves, and it could be due to unconditional love. But strangers might get better treatment than we give our loved ones. Sure, the stranger will not get a well thought out birthday or Christmas gift. It’s also true that a stranger is less likely to get a ‘no questions asked loan’ that you might be willing to give a family member or best friend. But when it comes to the daily small things, I think the attitude changes.

It seems counterintuitive but it seems that the more you trust and love people, the more you are willing to be an asshole to them. For most people, it would be accurate to say they are their worst boss. I’m awfully harsh on myself, and I’ve learned many think the same of themselves too. This most likely transcends to one's family member being a worse boss than a stranger. I think it’s because of a reliance on the virtues of unconditional love.

It could be the husband who is the most well-mannered person in the office that throws rage fits to his family because of all the pent up stress from putting up the ‘nice guy’ act at work. Possibly, the wife who listens intently to strangers and doesn’t pass judgment to their stories and opinions until she gets home and is full of interruptions, opinions, and judgment to troubled family members who decide to open up.

The view that humans are social creatures and that we need to maintain good relationships with the “others” might contribute to this behaviour - a blind niceness towards strangers. I think it’s an innate part of who we are. A desire to be liked by others, proven by the success of the luxury industry. It wouldn’t exist if people didn’t care so much about the opinions of strangers. Not that caring about the opinions of others is wrong. But I believe, and many who are about to die seem to agree, that only a handful of opinions truly matter to one’s life.

It’s for the opinions of strangers that we devote much of the energy and patience we should be using for the ones we love and for ourselves. One might say you need to ‘invest’ in strangers because you can’t achieve anything by yourself. But what’s the point of building a house on an unstable foundations? A stable foundation starts with yourself, then your immediate circle of loves ones and everyone else make up the material and building blocks that rest on the foundation.

I can’t in good nature say one should ignore the big decisions. I think it’s nice to buy loved ones presents and to think of the self when making big life decisions. But those should always be secondary to what is said and done daily for the self and loved ones. It’s like the couple that only does something special on Valentines day and fails 364 days of the year because they are busy pleasing other people at work, friends, people they meet on the street, etc… It’s hard to see such a relationship going well. Strangers might not get the big gifts but they get an attitude that doesn’t jump to conclusions. An attitude to listen because you truly don’t know who the individual is. They aren’t familiar and the default attitude becomes one of letting an opinion form slowly. One might treat a stranger with more respect than a familiar cousin. But shouldn’t a familiar loved one….a familiar self….be given more benefit of the doubt and given the respect that the person could change or be different from the past?

I don’t think the default stance is to focus all of one’s efforts on taking care of the self. It’s assumed that all new energy should focus on the other. Not those who are familiar. But, only a healthy and grounded self can have any chance of being there for their loved ones every day. Hence, one needs to show up for loved ones every day. Only then, should strangers get a glimpse of the kind of person you are for those inside your inner circle.